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Jose Ferraz
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The Ten Commandments for Couples

1. Never get angry at the same time
At any costs avoid the explosion. The more complicated is the situation more calm is needed. So, it will be necessary that one in the couple activate the mechanism that ensures the calmness of both in front of the conflicting situation. We must convince ourselves that nothing good will be done with explosion. We all know well what are the results an explosion : only rubble, death and sadness. Therefore, never allow the explosion to happen. It is important that in calm times the couple combine mechanisms for these moments, as for instance : one gets up and leaves without the other one take it as an insult. It exists a mechanism for discussions on the phone : ring off, wait a minute, call the person and say calmly : It cut ! What where we talking about ?

2. Never shout at each other
Unless the house is on fire. Who has good arguments do not shout. The more someone shouts, the less he is heard. Someone told me once that if shouting solve anything, no pig would die ... Shouting characterize one that is morally weak and must impose by shouting what he cannot impose by argument and reason.

3. If someone should win in the discussion, let the other win
Losing in a discussion can be an act of intelligence and love. Dialogue will never be discussion, for the simple reason that the discussion involves a winner and a loser, and dialogue does not. So if, inadvertently, the dialogue turn into discussion, let the other "wins", so that it ends faster. In discussion decide to be happy instead of being right!

4. If it is impossible not to point out, do it with love
The other part has to understand that criticism aims aggregating and not dividing. A criticism is never constructive or destructive, it is a criticism and must demonstrate knowledge of the cause and ability of understanding and communication. In neurolinguistical science exists a rule that says : "If the other part did not understand, revise your communication. " Before we point a default it is always recommended to present two qualities of the other part. This works like an anesthetic so you can make the curative without pain.

5. Never throw in the face of the other part mistakes of the past
The person is always greater than his mistakes, and nobody likes to be characterized by his faults. Whenever we blame someone for his past mistakes, we're bringing them back and making it difficult for the person to free of them. That certainly is not what we want for your beloved. It is necessary to be very careful to ensure that it does not happen in moments of discussion. At these times the best thing to do is to keep quiet . The one who is calmer, who is more controlled, should keep quiet and let the other speak until he calms. Do not retaliate with words, or the discussion will increase, and anything bad can happen, in terms of resentments, hurts and painful wounds. Therefore, to have life in a marriage, there must be peace, and it has a price : our maturity.

6. Carelessness is tolerable with anyone but spouse
In life at two everything can and must be important, because happiness comes from little things. The lack of attention to a spouse is sad in a couple life and demonstrates disdain for the other one. Be attentive to what he says, to his problems and aspirations, save, keep dates and reminders that are important for the other one, even if for you it is just one more information.

7. Never go sleeping  without reaching an agreement
If not, the next day the problem may be much bigger. You cannot let accumulate problem on problem without solution. Have you ever thought if you were using the same boiler that has already been used the day before, to boil milk without washing it first ? Milk would probably sour. The same happens when we wake up without resolving yesterday’s conflicts. The problems in married life are normal and require attention and courage from us to face them until they resolve, with peace and perseverance we look for a solution.

8. At least once a day, tell the other an affectionate word
Many people have huge reserves of tenderness, but forget to express them with words. Loving the other one isn't enough, we must say it with words too. Especially to women, it has an almost magical effect. It is a tonic that completely changes your state of mind, mood and well-being. Many men have difficulty at this point, some due to problems of education, but most of them because they still did not realize its importance. How important are these expressions of affection that makes the other one grow: "I love you ", "You are very important to me," without you I could not have overcome this problem, ""Your presence is important to me "; "Your words help me to live" ... Tell that to the other one with sincerity every time you feel his edifying help.

9. Making a mistake, admit it and apologize
Admitting a mistake is not humiliation. The person who admits his mistake demonstrate to be honest with himself and with others. When we fail we do not have two honest options, only one : admit fault, apologize and remedy what we did wrong, in the intention of not repeating it. This is being humble. By acting like this, even our mistakes and falls are the levers for our maturation and growth. When we have the courage to ask forgiveness, overcoming our pride, we eliminate almost at once the reason for conflict in the relationship, and peace returns to hearts. It is noble to ask for forgiveness !

10. When one does not want two do not quarrel
It is the popular wisdom that teaches this. It will be necessary that someone takes the initiative to break the pernicious cycle that leads to a quarrel. Taking this initiative will always be a gesture of magnanimity, maturity and love. And the best way is "not to add fuel on fire", what means not stimulate discussion. Many times it is through silence that calm returns to the heart of the other. Sometimes it will be by a warm hug, or a kind word.

Based on the text of Prof. Felipe Aquino/Source: Canção Nova


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